I’m writing to you to let you know I want you out
of my life. Our relationship has been a toxic one
& it’s time to let you go.
It’s been so long now I can’t really remember life
without you. In the early years of our relationship
I thought it was fun, you fitted in around my life.
We would get together now & then and I thought
I had the upper hand, but you were just biding
your time, waiting until you could gain complete
control and you could make it so I couldn’t live
As I spent more & more time with you, I saw
my real friends less & less. In the end, the only
friends I had were the ones you had chosen for
me. You stopped me having hobbies & interests;
if I was to be with you every day I didn’t have the
time or the energy to pursue things which didn’t
involve you. And that’s what you wanted, to have
me isolated & alone.
Obviously, my family didn’t approve of you so I
kept you a secret. The longer we were together
the more I lied & the more dishonest I became
to ensure that nothing got in the way, but you
thrived off all the secrets & the lies. These were
the things that made you stronger.
No one understood so I didn’t tell anyone; I can’t
understand it myself so how can I expect others
You got in my head. You changed me until I didn’t
know who the real me was anymore. I often look
back and wonder what I would have been like if
you hadn’t come into my life, but I’ll never know.
I’ll never get all those wasted years back that
you have taken from me.
The language that’s used to describe
relationships with you often portrays you as the
victim. You are “used”, “misused” & “abused”,
but that’s not how you made me feel. I felt you
used & abused me – I never felt in control.
I’ve tried to get you out of my life so many times,
but without you it always felt like there was a
void. I tried to replace you with other things
but it didn’t stop me wanting you. I changed the
people or the places I was familiar with to try and
put some distance between us, both literally &
mentally, but we never parted for long. Although
I hated you for what you had done to me I was
always drawn back to you.
I’m tired now, tired of the merry go round of you
& me. I want to make space for new relationships
in my life, not the toxic one I have had with you
all these years but real, genuine, emotional
relationships with my children, my family, my
real friends.There’s not room for both, you have
taught me that well over the years, and this
time I don’t choose you. This time I want it to be
different. This time I choose me.
To the only person I ever thought understood
me, to you, cocaine, my ‘Mrs Dependable’, ‘Mrs
Reliable’, my mood stabiliser and ultimately my
I don’t know where to begin? This is the 2nd time
I’ve tried to say good bye in a letter, last year it
seemed easy, it flowed, I was angry, pissed off
and dismissive and I was pleased to see the back
of you. Or maybe I wasn’t and maybe that’s why
i’m back here for round 2. Somehow this time
The thought of never having any type of
relationship with you you ever again makes me
feel scared, nervous, anxious and sad. Ironically
all the feelings that I never felt last time round,
and all the uncomfortable feelings I’ve used you
to numb for me over the years. Perhaps I was in
denial and not ready to let go.
I can think back to the days when things were
perfect, we were happy. Those euphoric times,
an instant mind altering experience, but the
reality is – it hasn’t been like that for a long time,
yet I still haven’t been able to live without you.
I’ve used you for the good the bad and the ugly;
and boy has it been ugly.
As I write this I continue to have a dull ache deep
in the pit of my stomach simply at the thought of
not being able to cope without you. Can I handle
what life throws at me? Can I exist and just learn
to be happy and just learn to be? I know I can
and I know have to, but more importantly I know
I want to, but that doesn’t mean that it sits easy
I usually find it so easy to articulate a point but
writing this is making me feel disorientated,
restless, my hands clammy and completely
You have been my outlet for anger, my coping
mechanism for handling my pain and the only
thing that I have been truly intimate with for
the past few years. And the sad irony is that you
have made me lose intimacy with others in my
life. My wife, my friends, family and my beautiful
baby daughter. Yet no matter how ugly a monster
you have become I’ve chosen you time and time
again, but not a 1000 days with you compares to
one day with my beautiful daughter, my princess,
yet somehow I find a way, you find a way, we find
a way to be together, no matter what.
Yes I have had some bad cards dealt to me over
the years, I lost my Mum and my Dad to lung
cancer and you became my way of dealing with
it. Now the feeling of bereavement sits similarly
in saying goodbye to you, that dull ache knowing
that someone is gone. Knowing that you’ll never
have that bond or connection together again; a
sense of sadness, depression and emptiness. I
know that sounds sick comparing it to the death
of human life but I guess you dying is better than
me dying for you; like I have seen others around
fall foul to your games.
I have to move on from you now, you are a part of
my life that is no longer alive. Like many people
that I have met and loved, and that are no longer
with us. You don’t deserve to be a part of my life
any more. You are also a cancer that has nearly
ruined my life. Luckily there is time for you to be
cut out, and cut out for good.
I gave you my life and now I am taking it back.
Before I felt powerless to do so, but now I
have the strength and belief to do it. Under no
circumstances can we be together at all. We can
never meet again. Never.
Like any relationships, I can look back at the
happy times but for too long you have been
the centre of all my sadness and we have been
nothing more than a square peg in a round hole. I
always looked in the mirror with shame and guilt,
generally looking down and being reminded
of you. Cocaine. Before, I had to turn away in
disgust. However now the fog has lifted, I am
able to look myself in the mirror and say “I am
a great person, a good father, I’m ambitious and
talented and there is an exciting world out there
called life” This is the life that you convinced
me that I couldn’t have. I will no longer put you
before my daughter. I love her and not you. I
treasure her and not you. I love who I am and
hate who you made me become.
I will be happy.
You are the end of a chapter. Today is the first
day of the rest of my life.